Letters, Some of Which Are for People I Know Disguised as Letters to Inanimate Objects and Strangers

Dear Hairs,
Why are you so crazy? Lately, I've been noticing how some of you, when dry, look as if you've been finely and carefully crimped. Like with a crimping iron. I realize that there's been an 80s fashion resurgence, but you're above that. Straighten out, or I WILL CUT YOU.

Dear FAFSA Pin Number,
I'm sorry for never remembering you. It's not that I don't care. It's not you, it's me.

Dear Harmonica Player with the Tapout Shirt and Plaid Hunting Cap,
You were so so wrong, but your harmonica sounded so so right.

Dear iPhone,
I know you're great, and I'm practically sold on the basis of your camera and the photo apps alone, but I'm having a hard time committing. Thank you for not smothering me as I try and make my mind up about you.

Dear Taylor Swift,
I know you'll counter this by noting how often I've listened to your most recent album, but I can't take you seriously. I can't be 100% sure, but I think it's because you're too shiny. I'll allow that you've become a bit jaded as evidenced by your open musical letter to JMay - a bit too thinly veiled for my taste, but a cathartic exercise, no? - it's still too much for me right now. Besides, you really should have known better.

Dear Hazelnut Coffee,
I don't particularly like you, but I'm lazy and you're what I have right here and right now - so I'm drinking you. Should I have known better? Yes, a thousand times yes. But in my defense, you were a bit misleading. Freshly brewed, you smelled fine. Nice. Enticing, even. But you leave an awful taste in my mouth. It makes no sense for me to be drinking you, and yet here I am, still drinking you. I justify it by telling myself that I need the caffeine, but I don't think I can take it much longer. I know there are bound to be people out there who enjoy your taste as much as your aroma, but I'm judging them, hard.

Dear Liberal Arts College Hopeful,
Though P.F. Chang's is probably THE LAST thing that comes to mind when I think about China, you still managed to win me over in the end. Well done, and good luck.

Dear Sporcle.com,
Thanks for being my friend. I've only known you a short while, but we've already shared some of the most valuable, intellectually stimulating, and edifying moments of 2011. You've reeled me in by appealing to my competitive spirit. I hope you're not offended by my trash talk - it's how tomboys show affection.

Dear Dissertation,
One week it's this, the other it's that. Why can't you make up your mind? I hate you. 

xoxo,
JM

VD 2011: I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

Success! I asked for help coming up with ideas for Valentine's Day cards and got some great suggestions. Having friends makes VD extra fun. 

Sharone gave me the idea for this first card. I should have known she would conceptualize a card about a dinosaur. One might say she has an affinity for dinos.

My second card was inspired by my friend Karen. She chose 'squirrel' and provided the punchline, but I translated it into squirrel-speak all by myself. It's a gift.  

This last card is all me. This is what happens when you sleep next to a pile of Žižek, the Elvis of cultural theory.

You're probably looking at these and thinking how sorry you are that you didn't get around to submitting an idea for a card. But the good news is that there's still time. 22.5 hours left of this wondrous holiday, and lots of things left on the list. Send me your idea and we'll make it happen - making crazy VD cards is way more fun than writing a dissertation.

Happy Valentine's Day, friends. Get some. Not VD. You know.

VD 2011: Two Heads Are Better Than One

It's been a tradition of mine to hand make cards for Valentine's Day. This year, I have a few ideas that I will run with, but I also have a lot of half ideas that I need some help developing. Here's where you come in. Below, you'll find a list of things I would like to include on a VD card. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to come up with some cute, funny, and VD appropriate text that incorporates/correlates to one of the things on the list. Most of the list consists of images; I'm looking for words to accompany them. Your text doesn't need to include the actual term. Pop culture references are welcome, but originality holds more weight at the end of the day. They can be innuendo-ish but not explicit. And, as bizarre as the items on the list are, the one requirement is that the message should not be anti-Valentine's Day, as I already have a bazillion (mostly topical) ideas for hater-ish cards that I hope to produce sometime in the near future. If I like your idea, I'll make the card and send it to you. At this rate, you'll get it after Valentine's Day proper, but remember, friends, VD is something to celebrate all year round.

Before we get to the list, here are a couple of examples from previous years so you kind of get a sense of what I'm looking for. One is cute, the other is, umm, yeah.

2008 (click here to see original post) 

2009 (click here to see original post)

Without further ado:

• Žižek
• Cold War
• totes mcgoats
• asshat
• afro
• dinosaur
• squirrel
• bicycle
• toilet
• pyramid
• top hat
• gun
• pineapple
• taco
• ???

Have at it, my creative elves. :)

IN: the Fulbright program for giving me hope for my future, a kick in the ass, and secular but divine retribution; oxford commas; owning victories and being moderately bastos; the community of midday, theater-going solo movie watchers; fancy timepieces; le français; my adorable family; friends who love me like Bruno Mars loves his lady; my soulmate; the inimitable Pitzer writing tutors; practice pitch meetings; staying hydrated; alot monsters; spontaneous birthday celebrations and other black tie occasions; therapeutic writing; tweets; HOVA for making me smile; le del taco; Gymnopedie No. 1; this ginormous laptop screen; la guitare; crisp cold; dark chocolate-covered pretzels; mustachasauruses; "get money in 2011"; toasting to douchebags; embracing my Liz Lemon; The Cavern of Interminable Joys and Confounding Wonders; Mt. Baldy, a Snowy Mountain; not giving a fuck

OUT: required writing; callow words; indecision; loving my advisor; inanition

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: I would like to thank Sock for being a magical fact-checker.

Tonight

To night:

Tonight.
I think. I think. I think.
"This brain is a blessing and a curse."
Tonight, this. Tonight, this brain.

In Texas, a woman sat down next to me at the airport. Without looking at me, she started talking. Something about grandchildren. Something about a weekend of shopping. She identified my sunglasses, brand and season. Then, she looked me in the face. She stopped. She told me I was beautiful. "I just looked at your face, right now." I guess she was a little surprised.

"[What J says to Lemon]."
Tonight you wouldn't have to think that.
I think. I think that. I think that that's what you would have thought, tonight.
"What is it / And why"
Tonight it is.
Why, tonight.

Good answer.

Tonight you would.
Tonight you would have.
Tonight you would have gotten what you wanted.

What a difference a day makes.